This picks up where My Backstory ends. My 44th birthday exit from a near dead life.
The moment I drove away from the house, my physical and mental health started to improve. I was able to drive without getting sleepy. I camped at a beach near Ventura. Ohhhh how I fell in love with Ventura. At bedtime I happily wrote in my brand new journal: “I got lost wandering on the trail at dusk, ate cold leftovers for dinner at 10pm, and NO ONE’S COMPLAINING! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!!” It felt like the best day of my life. I had truly enjoyed it all and that I was free to do it without being hated for it. What a blessing.
I started work-trade at The Ojai Foundation two days later. 20 hours a week, cleaning bathrooms and taking care of the land and altars. A miracle for sure after being bed-bound for 3 years!!
As I awaited my first day, I had joked that if they made me clean bathrooms I’d quit. OCD you know. Filth. Germs. I could hardly use one much less clean one without losing my shit, um, er, mind. As Fate would have it, that was indeed my first assignment. I didn’t quit. I spent all day cleaning those bathrooms to details no one had ever done. Cuz being outdoor bathrooms, it was a lost cause ~ the spiderwebs return tomorrow. But it set off a crucial chain of events.
First of all, we all got clear about being more specific and literal with me about how much detail they want from me! Ha!
Here’s the crucial part: I stood up for myself. A rare thing. It was really messy but I did it. After I finished cleaning the bathrooms, I was such an exhausted and anxious wreck that I went straight to bed without dinner. I had signed on to the land care department, not hospitality. The agreement was already breached. I couldn’t function this strained. I came here to heal! I had to say something, but how? Not in my repertoire!
When I woke up in the morning, I prepared myself to speak to my supervisor. Bathroom pitstop first. As I flush, I see a little frog in the bowl heading down the drain. OH MY GOD NO!!! That poor frog!!! I completely lose it. Cue meltdown scene. And in walks my supervisor. I tear up, trying to talk. Well, it turns out the frog would be fine, it happens all the time and he comes back up. IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME??!! How am I going to deal with that?! But ok.
Then the part about cleaning bathrooms… In the tears from the frog, I totally wrecked how I had planned to bring it up. You know what she did? She stood up for herself and told the hospitality team to stop stealing her volunteers. It was just me and her doing trails and gardens and altars but they had three paid staff and more occasional helpers. It was not fair that they always took all the volunteers. So it was settled. I was off limits to the others, no more bathrooms for me to clean! As time went on there were days when they legitimately needed all hands on deck to reset all the spaces for the next retreat group, and I did help without complaint.
I saw that frog in the toilet a couple more times. I spent the summer learning the meaning of “frog medicine.” I sang a beloved Flaming Lips song about waiting for the frogs to fall, down on me….
Within two weeks I was off all my meds but two, which I ditched a year later. I had been informed I would be on them for my entire life. Nope. It is phenomenal how much better I felt without them!
My daughter was 7. I was living in a tent in the woods, so she stayed with her dad in the house. That was certainly difficult but necessary. I saw her every other weekend and spoke to her on the phone every night. Although she didn’t like us getting divorced, she knew it was for the better. She has always been very observant and wise, far more than her parents. A couple months into it, I brought her to my new home, and she instantly said “Wow! You really are happier and healthier in the woods!”
I thought things were going to be better for her with just her Dad. I saw him actually hug her. He came out of hiding and started doing things with her. I was relieved. Unfortunately, it didn’t last and it was 5 years before she told me how bad it was with him behind the scenes. Ugh. I am so sorry dear one.
It’s now been 12 years since that fateful day. It feels like many lifetimes of transformation. I started out feeling like a little kid. Or like a 20 year old first venturing out into the world. Over the years, part of me started catching up to chronological age although I certainly am not there yet hahaha. It’s been a rough ride of a different kind. And fantastically magical as well! I’m not sure I’d wish it on anyone! The revelations though… whew… Glory Bee. It is appearing as if I am about to embark on another before-and-after pivot in my life experience. We shall see….