What follows is a broad view of transformational processes and how to navigate them; particularly ones that feel like a kind of death. This is strictly my perspective. I offer it in case it helps you find your way.
You can think of this process as having a goal of making the change you didn’t think you could make, but you know you need, and will be stuck until you make that change.
Rather than death, this is actually a calling but you may not recognize it as such. You are on a path. Along the way you will face difficult challenges, sometimes even tests. They’re like gates to the next passageway. You can try to pick which challenge you want to address next, but often you’re thrown into it ready or not. Yet some part of you has a clue. It will probably be hard to hear and follow that part of you. So listen closely for quiet or distant calls from within. Don’t just follow the yelling all the time. It’s like there’s a secret you’re keeping from yourself and you have to go on a search-and-rescue mission for it.
Wrestling with your demons is really wrestling with yourself. Even if demons turn out to be real and are fucking with you. It’s all about you because you have choices to make regarding how to handle the situation.
Nurture your resolve to believe in your desire, your knowing, your calling. You’ve chosen to answer the call and you want it so much that you won’t give up. That is your superpower that will get you through the process as best you can.
Bon Voyage ~~
SCENARIO
Your life is falling apart. Unwanted change is being thrust upon you. You’ve been injured, or lost your job; your house burned down, your spouse left you. You’re sick or depressed for too long. The future you thought you had is gone. The plans you had crashed and burned. There’s something you need to do that seems impossible. It feels horrible. Part of you wonders if you’ll survive.
Things like this happen to everyone at some point in their lives. Accidents and illnesses happen. Weather disasters happen. Someone important to you dies. Change is a fundamental aspect of reality. We all need to learn to live in right relationship with change.
INTRO
Change that overcomes you with no map, instructions or destination is typically quite daunting. But consider this: what if it was a natural process of spiritual or psychological development? There’s a special kind of change that germinates when the time is right: A change in one’s relationship with oneself. This is a time to learn new things about oneself, change troubling patterns, or develop previously unknown gifts. It may be something you didn’t know you needed, or something you’ve been fighting (knowingly or subconsciously.) The thing about your life that you’ve been putting off. Or have a blind spot to. The nagging feeling that you think is unrealistic or just plain crazy.
It can be drastically transformative like a plum tree turning into an estuary. Not something you were expecting. What is trying to arise in you may be unrecognizable. This is understandably confusing or even terrifying. If you try to avoid or ignore it, it’s probably going to hurt – a lot. It may fade away eventually but likely will return in another form.
There is a conundrum in systemic change: time is of the essence (as in you have this lifetime to do the work and life gets better as you progress) and also you can’t rush it (as in you’re not ready until you’re ready and that is not entirely under your control – there are many other factors at play including the world itself.)
The important thing is to keep coming back to the “work” after much needed breaks or unfortunate setbacks, and all the distractions. Stay with the trouble.
And don’t think of it as a linear process. It’s more like an emergent phenomenon. There are ups and downs and all-arounds.
While there are many useful skills to learn along the way, they clear the path rather than achieve an end goal. You’ll gain insights, collect clues, try lots of things. One day something will put those pieces together and you’ll find yourself profoundly changed.
The process may be psychological. It may be physical. It may be spiritual. Likely a combination. Indigenous cultures around the world have ways to identify and work with this situation. It is sometimes referred to as an initiation: to be brought into the next role, skill or knowledge in your life’s journey. A rite of passage. It could be thought of as your subconscious or your soul calling you to do what’s better for you. Perhaps even divine intervention, if you lean that way.
In modern western society, initiations still arise naturally but there are no structures to guide us. There isn’t a common awareness of this process, no familiar rituals, no academy of elders to turn to. We may try therapy, but it can be hard to find a therapist who is trained in addressing this as a growth initiation. Conventional wisdom and coping strategies are not going to help. For some people, the initiation is so far from familiar cultural experiences that the person might be labeled as mentally ill and given treatment for that diagnosis. If you turn to alternative practices, how can you be sure you aren’t being preyed upon by grifters or indoctrinated into someone else’s program? So it is scary and daunting to be in this situation and ask for help. How do you find a safe person to ask? Is my advice safe and helpful? It’s a conundrum. You have to evaluate something you are unfamiliar with, for the purpose of finding something out about yourself that’s been very difficult in some way. The impulse, the habit, the culture, the thing protecting the secret, keeps you turning away. But now you’re in a situation where turning away is treacherous or impossible.
It’s helpful to find opportunities to be in community, ceremony style, to support you both inwardly and to take some of the practical burdens off you for awhile. You may not have that now, but hold it in your pocket of possibilities and watch for ways to get there. They will probably come from places you don’t expect.
SKILLS
There are fundamental skills you’ll need to navigate this process. You may think that you don’t have some of these skills and can never develop them. That’s ok. Usually, you have to go through this process to learn the skills, so don’t let that intimidate you. Embrace it! You’ll learn what you can. You may surprise yourself down the road. What if much of the point of your situation was to learn some of these?
1. Compassion for yourself and others.
2. Patience with yourself. LOTS of patience.
3. Critical thinking and observation skills.
4. Humility and courage.
5. Self love and self care.
6. Willingness to try the unexpected things.
7. Committing time and space for this essential work.
8. Not letting friends and family dissuade you from changing.
9. Taking risks without overdoing it. Knowing the difference between challenging risks and dangerous risks.
10. Trust yourself and your life’s process.
11. Productive, honest introspection.
REMINDERS
You’re going to face a lot of push-back from your own psyche. You can call it ego, the pain body, your demon, your conditioning; whatever helps you relate with it. You’re going to need a strong lifeline and relentless determination in order to stay with the process. What will help you remember your goal? You’ll need to be reminded hundreds of times. Here are some ideas:
1. Write it down and put it where you can see it.
2. Make art or a vision board about it.
3. Leave breadcrumbs. They might be in the form of songs, special objects, journals you actually read, people you look up to, places you want to go, that feeling of freedom or joy.
4. Have a buddy or doula or specialist on your team and be honest with them. This is a requirement for your safety.
5. Keep a log of your activities, insights, failures, breakthroughs, and general progress. Not to keep score, but as a way of seeing the path you’re on.
SAFE SPACE
What to do when you get scared? In addition to contacting your buddy, you can go to your “safe space.” Which means you need to create a safe space right away if you haven’t already. A safe space is physical, mental and in the imagination.
A) You’ve got a place to sit where you are comfortable and won’t be bothered. The lights are low but not completely dark. Use a hot pad if you like heat. Pillows and props are great. Feel your body’s weight on whatever you’re sitting on. Let your weight fall toward the earth.
B) Maybe put on some background calming music.
C) Close your eyes if that feels safe. If not, maybe half closed or looking only at a single thing. Do an exercise to signal your mind and heart to slow down, such as noticing your natural rhythm of breath. Some people focus on a candle flame, real or imagined. Maybe loosely look at a leaf or flower, if you can do that without getting caught up in studying it. It needs to be small, simple, local and trackable. If thoughts come, just watch them go by like clouds, and return to your focus. No worries.
D) Do a body scan to unclench what muscles you can, if even for a moment.
E) Imagine or remember a place you absolutely love to be or an activity you love doing. Elicit as much physical detail as possible, with as many senses as possible. See how close you can get to convincing yourself it’s real. This takes practice. Not everyone “sees visions” so don’t compare yourself to guided visualizations and the like. Stick with how you actually feel. That’s the whole point.
F) Spend 10-30 minutes there. Don’t short yourself or get lost in there.
G) Use the same place/activity every time so it is easy to get there.
BE A PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR – OF YOURSELF
One of the things that is being asked of you at such a time is thorough self-assessment. How honest can you be with yourself in a compassionate, observant manner? You need to take the blinders off. But not with the violence of hate and derision of yourself or others. While it is essential to process anger, guilt and accountability, for now focus on paying attention to details of your actions, secrets, wishes, beliefs, refusals, habits, patterns, etc. You need to collect information, check its validity, and integrate it. You’re looking for that thing that really shocks or bothers you. Makes you cry or makes you rage. If you find yourself strongly rejecting or clinging to something, *that’s* a good thing to dive into.
We all have blind spots. Some of these are psychological as a method of self preservation. Sometimes they are helpful. The problem is that they persist beyond their usefulness and become a pathway of unintended suffering. We repeat unhealthy patterns, miss red flags, avoid things without really knowing why. They become holes in our boundaries that make us vulnerable to people who want something from us.
Some blind spots are simply intellectual. Lack of knowledge combined with a lack of knowledge *about knowledge.* Critical thinking skills are as important as kindness. We have a body of knowledge about ourselves and the world that needs constant updating as things change. We sometimes pick up incorrect information. Once we think we know something, it’s hard to take in new data, and we may spread misinformation. There is a growing problem of the “Dunning-Kruger” effect where people with a little bit of info think they know something to the point of arguing with actual experts. People who believe in Flat Earth are extreme examples of this. Conspiracy theories thrive on this effect. Education can keep you out of such traps.
It is a conundrum to find your own blind spots: they’re called that because you are blind to them. So how do you get around that? You pretty much need indirect methods since you can’t look directly at it. One way is to be around people who *can* see it and will give you feedback in some form or another. This is usually a rough road, but very rewarding when handled well. Another way is looking for patterns and habits. Like never having a job you like. What are the common threads in these jobs? Another method is to notice what is missing. “A hole in the shape of a blind spot.” For example, missing memories, and triggers that make no sense to you, that seem to come from out of the blue. Or responses to troubling events that are unreasonably mild. Follow those clues!
BUMPS IN THE ROAD
What if you get discouraged? Everyone does. It’s part of the process. Literally. You haven’t done the work if you never reached some form of doubt or disappointment. Failure shows you where your boundaries and thresholds are: the very thing you’re after. If the change were easy you would have done it already. These are important moments to take detailed notes in your log book.
BREAKS
Maybe you just need a short break. Except in organized rituals, you’re not supposed to be in “the work” 24/7. It’s not supposed to be finished by a certain time. You can pendulate in and out of the work to care for the practical things in life. Go find something rewarding to do. Not a big project. Go for a walk, talk to a friend, listen to music you love. Volunteer a little time at a program you like. Make some art or food, whatever floats your boat. Rest up and go back at it in a day or two. Or three.
STUCK
How do you feel after the break? Ready to dig in? If so, great! If not, then you’ve hit a stuck spot. This is when you get to develop and practice some of those skills I mentioned above. Usually self-compassion is a key one. Patience too. Take some time to journal your feelings, using pen and paper. This taps a different aspect of yourself and tends to be more embodied than typing, which can get intellectual and distracting. You’re trying to get to a voice that needs to be “heard.” Your normal intellectual processes tend to thwart that voice. Try using your non-dominant hand as well. It can be quite shocking what comes out. Emotive art is useful here too! Scribble away! You’re not analyzing anything right now. Just getting inner info where your conscious mind can blatantly see it. You might cry or scream. If you get sleepy, you need to check if you’re avoiding that voice. Alternately, you might be needing to let the unconscious mind be in charge for a bit while things simmer and deepen and rise to the surface. If you end up sleeping and wake up without insight or motivation or such, you’re probably avoiding. Totally normal. You can’t let it run the show though. Stay strong and focused. You want this, remember? Go to your reminders and gather your resolve.
THE PROCESS IS YOUR OWN
There are seemingly endless sources of advice or instructions on how to grow, heal, evolve, express your truth and live your best life. Some come from particular lineages (e.g. indigenous cultures, religions, psychology) while some are thought up by people out to describe, save, or lead the world. Books and websites and videos can keep you busy forever. Don’t let all this distract you. None of them know your unique needs nor what you have access to. While there are common elements to people’s transformational journeys, there is no master recipe to follow. People will tell you they have one. Be very wary. Hope and desperation are easy hooks for salespeople and preachers. Finding your own way is part of the transformation process. You’re on a quest for that which is inside you, that is for you, that you experience directly, that changes you. No one can give it to you. So when you’re gathering advice, look for what helps you see opportunities and pitfalls. Look for what helps you see into your own darkness and recognize what’s there. By darkness I mean that which you don’t yet consciously understand and integrate. Fog, veil, heart, wounds, blocks, unconscious are all words that could be interchanged in this context. None of them are bad though they are frequently laden with negative beliefs. Look for what helps you stay with the process through the difficulties. Look for what helps you take action or change beliefs or come to realizations. Leave the rest.
DISCERNMENT AND VIGILANCE
When you’re trying a particular method for change, you need to regularly assess its effect on you. Change is not only hard, it’s slippery. What seems to be working can warp into mere coping or full-on self-delusion. People promoting programs are reliant on success stories to attract more customers. It’s super easy to get people to feel good or different for a moment and celebrate with cheers of how well the program worked. What you don’t see is how they feel the next week. On the other hand, some things take time to show results. If you keep a log book, this is a good use of it. Don’t put much stock into feelings of the moment. (If it’s a true threshold moment, you will be able to tell the difference.) Stick with whatever you’re trying for 1-4 weeks. Occasionally things take months. Notice if there are wanted or unwanted shifts taking place and persisting.
A DEATH PROCESS
Part of you wonders if you’ll survive this process. Well, part of you won’t. It’s that big of a change. There is a loss of something that has been a familiar and structural part of you for a long time. A belief, a hope, a behavior, etc. Your self image, identity or even purpose can be called into question. Like death of the body, that part of you is gone or needs to go, and you don’t have a choice in the matter. Grieving is necessary. Significant adjustments are necessary.
As you change, some people won’t fit in your life anymore. This is another way the process feels like death and loss. Even if those were people you needed to get away from. Family and friends often try to pull you back to being the way they are familiar with, because change is disruptive. You can’t let them do that. If you’re a people pleaser, you really need to be strong and do what’s best for you. In the big picture, it’s best for them too.
On a different note, you can think of this process as being reincarnated without changing bodies and starting over from birth. You have another chance; a new life ahead. That is grace, hope and opportunity all wrapped in one gift basket. That’s why this process, even though it is treacherous and painful, is something to embrace as you look forward to the other side.
People often talk about needing to let go, but that is a misleading description. It’s not as simple as opening your hand or declaring your release. There are many popular techniques that are merely performative in this regard. Some people will even scold you for not just letting it go. Dig deeper. There are tendrils wrapped around hard to reach places like a vine securing itself. Find those tendrils, hooks, anchors that keep you attached.
HOOKS
Just like our bodies naturally cling to life, we naturally cling to what has been, regardless of its utility. Beliefs and feelings take up residence. Have they hooked you or have you hooked them? There is something in you that creates the attachment. It can be uncreated with skill and intention. You have the power and authority to unhook. You might be surprised what you find when you start plucking and snipping those tendrils. Go slowly. Pay attention. Rather than “letting go” it might be more like an unwinding, detangling, unraveling. It might be more like excavation, chopping or even burning to the ground. It’s your process. Use the tools you have that do the job.
THE COMFORT ZONE
You’re going to exit it. But you don’t need to be dramatic or overwhelmed by that. Try doing things on the edge of your comfort zone. This is where you take challenging risks rather than dangerous risks. You don’t want to trigger a trauma response. Some people call that “going into the trauma vortex.” A while back that was a popular theory for healing but it proved to be harmful. I advise against it.
There are parts of your psyche (or demons) that will pull you back if you try to make a big jump out of your comfort zone. You can still do it, but it may be brutal to peel those hooks out. Sometimes you don’t have much of a choice. Sometimes you do and that’s a blessing. Bigger isn’t necessarily better. Steady engagement is what gets you there.
Whatever way it’s happening, you want your prefrontal cortex to remain engaged so you can be observant and your brain can “rewire.” You want to be present enough to use your tools. Over time, notice if your comfort zone gets bigger and you’re trying things you would have balked at in the past.
CELEBRATE THE PROCESS
It’s not only positive reinforcement, it’s also a precious beauty in life to celebrate yourself. Do it frequently for small things, and for the big things when they happen. It’s not usually a party. It’s quiet reflection and acknowledgment; gratitude and praise; encouragement to keep going. Often it’s just going to be “good job for sticking with it another day.” Thank yourself for that. You deserve the recognition. It fuels the whole process. It counters disappointment. It lets you know that you’ve gone farther than you realized or expected. It lets you know the process is working. Don’t skip this essential feedback loop.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE
It’s almost universal to feel like you are alone in this process. You are doing the work yourself: there is no other way. It’s hard to connect with people on this path. It’s easy to not recognize that others have been where you are. It can feel vapid and hurtful when people tell you you’re not alone, because you feel so alone. Here are some things to consider. There are songs and poems and books written and published by people who have been there and are offering you kinship, encouragement, hints, and structure to lean on. That is a ton of work of devotion in service to you. Open up to it. Connect with these people on the ethereal transmission signal they have sent. You are part of the greater community of people doing the work even if they are not at your side. In the modern world, it’s hard to be physically with people all the way through. But travelers build sources of strength, encouragement, lifelines, and lanterns in the dark. You are not alone when you go there; you walk in the footsteps of countless others and leave footsteps for those who come after you. You can do this work because of them.
Another thing to realize is that when you dive inside, you have *yourself* in a deep meaningful relationship. You have spiritual guides and allies to explore with. It might turn out to be the most beautiful thing you treasure.