No More “Cleaning up my shit:” A major reframing.
One of my usual phrases is a variant of “clean up my shit.” As in change my behaviors and heal my wounds that are so shitty and cause problems for other people as well as myself. While I was eating yummy yummy salad I made (which is quite unusual for me,) I heard myself think that phrase at the same time as remembering I just recently came out from under a malfunctioning dissociative coping mechanism installed when I was about 5. A realization, a softening, emerged ~ All those decades of flailing and predation and grasping and depression and failed rescues and chaos and just general clusterfuck messes of mine… a whopping pile of shit for sure… not actually shit.
It’s not that I’ve been so shitty. I don’t have to talk that way about myself anymore. I wouldn’t make someone feel like they are shitty (well, I’m sure I have a time or two in a heartbreak conflict, but not as a course of healing!) So why should I do it to myself? You know, I think I picked it up from new age people! It’s a deprecating shaming way of framing the process of retrieving yourself from the ravages of wounding and trauma and grief and isolation and manipulation. Who’s fault is what?
I have continually grown in taking responsibility and action for the misfortunate events I was a part of, diligently finding a way to make it right, make myself better; reduce the drama and trouble and hurt for all of us onward. Is this shitty of me? Am I shitty for having been abused literally out of my mind as a kid and no one, out of dozens of therapists and doctors and alternative healers and coaches, could detect it much less lead me whole again? Have all the messes been shit, or rather tears falling to floods, cries spinning hurricanes and tornadoes? When you were 5 and distressed, would you want to be told you are shitty and to clean up your shit? How well would that go over? We see the devastating effects of that throughout society.
I’ve brought my 5 year old self back to my present. My higher self and other helpers went and got her, led her out of her dark corner. I’ve calmed the storms and lashings. For the most part. It’s so much easier now to catch myself and readjust. That’s not “cleaning up shit.” That’s peacefulness, observation, lovingkindness, inclusion, care. I’m being caring.
This reminds me of a point in a powerful clash I had with someone very submerged in love-n-light new age lingo. We were in a small group healing ceremony. I was in a stuck place and disagreeing with him and my friend on the proper course of action to help me clear something from my system. I wanted to do it myself, to reach where they couldn’t, and they wanted to do it for me, saying it’s an easier pathway (though not easy to live through as she briefly takes it on.) They insisted they were the authority on this matter. He pushed it until I shouted “I DON’T BELIEVE YOU!” As part of my argument for my case, I said “I don’t want to shit on other people.” He said “You’re shitting on everyone in the room right now!” Seriously?! Holding my ground on my own treatment and refusing his is shitting on other people? Or because I’m dealing with something difficult? *IN A HEALING CEREMONY* Are you kidding? I didn’t bother arguing with him any more after that and went my own way. Reflecting on it now, how much of that arose from this new age idea that we shit on each other emotionally and energetically, and how much of it arose from my own belief about being shitty and shitting on people, needing to protect people from me? Would he have said that if I hadn’t said mine first? I doubt it. Ricochet. The phrase-belief pair in my repertoire pulled out the phrase-belief in his. Which we both got from a meme. Which is a form of infection…
AGH I’m remembering a horrifying one now. With another love-n-light authoritarian healer. She said I, via my subconscious energy, caused my daughter’s mysterious illness. She intentionally triggered my worst worst fear and guilt, blew me out of my capacity, then hung me out to twist and spin, refusing to speak to me. It took me days to come down from the panic-terror-remorse episode. It was part of the indoctrination that I shit on people, that everyone does. In a variant of the new age religion, we’re not sinners we’re shitters! Lol funny not so funny. While there may be a sliver of truth in there about our effects on others (which is how it sticks in you, like a sliver,) it’s not accurate nor helpful.
I hereby retract that programming. We can actually be kind in taking responsibility, and it’s much better for everyone when we do so. Instead of “cleaning up my shit” I’m “caring for our welfare.” So be it!
An excellent case for the way of Buddhist mindfulness, yes?
On an upnote, in the middle of that guilty panic episode, I had a client for an energy-moving session. I had just started publicly offering sessions. He was probably my first client, this was our third session I think. I told him we should cancel because I’ve got subconscious bad energy that is hurting people, so I am not safe. He laughed and said “Please come! Saying that proves you are safe!” We had a fantastic session! That did help me calm down. Whew. It took many more years to get out from under that though. Alas, it was our last session, as my daughter’s dad moved 800 miles away and took her with him, thus I had to go too ~ bon voyage ~