A powerful passion is burning through me. I am devouring the deliciousness of this holy fire. The deliciousness of my existence. The glory of the unraveling. The redemption of revelation. The holy satisfaction of mission accomplished, one of many to come.
It is a fascinating path I create. The power of the spirit to burn through, leaving marks and footsteps for the human mind and heart to follow. Little clues, breadcrumbs.
I love the trail, this adventure through dimensions, outer and inner, across time.
Today I am elated to overflowing. I have found my way out of suicide, for good.
Ever since I can remember, there has been a burning in my heart. A yearning, a despair, a torture, a drive. This came to the surface again and again appearing as wanting to die, to commit suicide. This was a misinterpretation for all those decades. I was feeling the self destruction for sure, but not because I actually wanted to kill myself. But because I had.
I discovered that I have killed myself many times. It imprinted a pattern into my incarnations. The pattern is a form of memory, that if not realized, creates replays. My current life has been woven with suicidal visions and mild attempts. Really, this torture in my heart has been a beacon, calling me. “Feel me, heal me, release me,” she calls and calls and calls. “Find the source of that searing breach and clear the re-animation of it!” So many calls. Finally, finally, I answer with loving presence rather than another dagger or squelching triple bypass. It’s time to heal the wound, break the cycle, and take full residence without that energy confusing my way.
I can’t say what all led to this moment, this divine precious unraveling. I have long had a paramount drive to end karmic cycles of suffering, to get to the root cause and address that rather than play it out in 3D life drama. What we experience is only a surface expression of underlying energies, to put it briefly. I am a diver. I dive into the depths of experience and perception and creation. Into the Dark. Into energetic realms and timelines and karma. Looking for the fractals that seed the hologram that generates matter and events and the cosmos. Learning to change patterns.
The Unraveling
This day, with the guidance of my mentor, I turn to Ereshkigal, Sumerian Queen of the Underworld, to ask for healing. In a visionary state, I walk down the steps of Her cave, to a chamber, bowing to Ereshkigal waiting for me there. By Her Grace, She was ever so gentle and easy with me this time. I ask to see and be seen, the shadow, the secret, the wound ready to behold in trust and devotion.
At once I feel the pain of torture. A torture of separation, a torture of despair. The crying and screaming inside of me. I see a vision of myself, standing, eyes to Heaven, driving a stake into my heart, a great bright golden glow bursting forth. Thank you My Queen. This is what I needed. Praise you My Queen.
I leave the cave and return to my sweet mentor. We explore how this pattern has shown up in my life. When I was six I envisioned stabbing myself in the heart with a steak knife to die. I was moved to tears watching Ripley/Sigourney Weaver cross her arms over her heart to hold the alien within her as she back-dives into the pit of molten metals, to make sure she takes the evil beast out with her. Recalling my drive to annihilate my soul and take a spiritual hierarchy out with me, that I thought was causing undue suffering to the human race. And then it became clear. I’ve done this before. It is a passion of mine.
The method of Sacrifice Self to Wipe Out Bad Guys. Take them all on myself to relieve others. Anything for Freedom. Obviously, it doesn’t work! Ha! I can kill me and kill them all I want, and we’re all still here! Nothing has been relieved or freed. More hurt. More hurt. More hurt. We are all more wounded and confused and disconnected with every incarnation. Ouch. This does not serve the purpose I was striving for! I didn’t save anyone. A deep breath settles that feeling into me, to know it. Hhhhhaaaaaaa-hhhhhhoooooooo.
The question, the experiment my soul was running, is over. There is no exterminating evil. There is no killing off the bad guys. Likewise, there is no killing the exhaustion, the entrapment, the avoidance, the loneliness, the guilt, the fear in myself.
I can stop now. Put down my Defiance. Sit on the Earth.
I empty my hands of weapons, and light them with healing love energy. Heal my own sacred heart of love and light. Reach into the dark places where the demons growl and gnash and terrify, wash them up, and find myself. I find hugs and welcome. THIS is the current work for me – the clean up, the release, the transmutation; changing the patterns. Clearing the way. The reunification.
And now, Love surfaces, and feels ohhhh so gooood.
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