May 3, 2020
Trigger warning for brief, non-detailed references to child sexual abuse, demons and trauma.
For the last six years, which feels more like 15, I’ve been getting a recurring message about myself I couldn’t understand. It did not seem accurate. I knew better than to ignore it, so I filed it as a note until I had further information. In the middle of the night last night, I finally decoded it enough to make sense and can now work with it.
A familiar way to describe the message is that I am like the Bourne Identity. (Spoiler alert for this movie and another one below.) As in, a super high end assassin working for an evil organization, who is put undercover with an implanted identity to the extent of not remembering s/he is an assassin until activated by the organization and put into action.
The messages were always about these kinds of assassins with variations on the cause of the false, forgetful identity. One was a scene from The Long Kiss Goodnight where, after discovering her past as an assassin, she rescues her daughter from the evil father holding her hostage. I’ve seen an interview of a “normal” person discovering this happened to her in real life. She found the stash of weapons… But there is really just no way I am an assassin. I am physically weak and there is nowhere to hide weapons in my van… So I didn’t buy it. But the message kept coming.
One of the themes of these messages is redemption. Hmmm. That I do relate to. I knew something was up, but what?
Last week’s shift from trying to remove the control of the “demons” fucking with me (a losing game,) to diving in to them to find my power and hidden truth, started unraveling things.
In the middle of the night I found more of the mystery puzzle pieces and started putting them together. It goes something like this:
Since birth I was repeatedly attacked by the unknown “evil” organization using and programming me. Primarily through sexual abuse by my father and others. By the time I was 5, a dissociative coping mechanism had fully taken over as my conscious personality – the false identity complete with the amnesia, forgetfulness, blind spots and control mechanisms. Events related to the programming trigger me and cause suffering in myself and others as intended by the evil organization.
Here I am in my van in the dark and rain. I can hear the velcro holding up my window curtain starting to lose hold. Rip, rip. I continue my work.
Wetiko, a Cree term for the invisible disease, or archons, or whatever term you like for the “demons” causing vast destruction on personal and global levels, is a strange, double hidden phenomenon. It holds what the victim is missing, her power, her creativity, the truth of her true nature. The evil demon disease needs to be mined for the jewel inside. Now combine that with robust scientific theories in quantum physics and cutting edge cognitive science. There is no objective solid reality. Consciousness may co-create reality every moment. Matter is not the building blocks of the universe: information and probability fields are and metaphors are the mind’s interface. The division between inner world and outer world may not be accurate. I synthesize this into a working belief that our perception of our experience is made of metaphors of things arising from within, from the subconscious and superconscious and collective.
Now return to the metaphors of the assassin and me. Instead of extracting myself from the reach of the demons and the things that trigger me, just as in the Bourne Identity story I am to turn toward the evil and disarm it. During my amnesia, like Jason Bourne, I developed the ability to see it for what it is and that I don’t want to play that way anymore. I developed the ability to perform the disarming and the mining dive. The triggers activating me can be used for the construct or to dismantle it. Rip, rip.
And then I remembered another clue I’ve been carrying. During one of the attacks, a demon in me attacked back. Like Jason Bourne and the many other messages I received, I am not innocent.
** I am not innocent. **
I am involved in some way or another. There is no division of me and them. Riiiiip. At that very moment the curtain in my van fell along with the curtain in my mind.
This opened the pathway to recovering the parts of myself lost when I was 5, and the healing my spirit has been after all these years.
Note to reader: this story is not to be construed as any kind of victim blaming, or claims of the harm being for a good reason, or that I chose it upon myself. It is absolutely essential to hold perpetrators accountable for the harm they inflict. That accountability occurred in an earlier part of my process. The sense of unity expressed here is a different, internal process that opens other doors. It is not meant to be practiced with the perpetrators in the flesh. It is exceedingly rare for that to work, although many have tried. I suggest great caution and professional training to avoid further harm.
FURTHER READING
Here are a couple of journal entries from a few months before this event, that give a little more information and context. A glimpse into some of the ways it developed. During this time I was living in my van at a campground on the outskirts of Squamish, British Columbia, Canada. I was there for six glorious months.
Jan 21 2020
I am currently working with the theory, more or less confirmed by multiple practitioners (including licensed psychotherapist and alternative therapists) and guides, that the daily personality I identify as “me,” that I am familiar with, is a coping mechanism of a serially traumatized small child. It took over around 5 years old, is the info I’ve been getting. Had been growing since birth. And the coping mechanism “personality” has been further traumatized growing up and as an adult. Layer upon layer.
Sometimes this realization is really depressing. But I don’t let myself get lost in that distress.
It’s not the only aspect of my experience. It hasn’t 100% consumed me. There are enough hints and magic that get me to dig myself out. It’s been a very long haul to even get to some clarity.
I am starting to recognize the differences between the coping mechanism state, the healthy Divine child, the “higher self,” the human presence, the invasive species, the Gifts of Life, Unity, duality, dissociation, manipulation, the trauma calling to heal, etc.
When I’m overwhelmed or otherwise in the coping mechanism state, I tend to get lost on Facebook or in simple intellect-oriented games. Being smart is a skill and a diversion. Also, if I’m complaining, resentful, trying to get people to stop being assholes or misleading people, that is a sign I am in the coping mechanism trauma personality.
I refused to get out of bed until 3 today. Lots of reading. Along with other distractions and side rails. Not on my intentional and needed heading. Even writing this is a diversion from brushing my teeth which I want to do but I don’t like my current setup and don’t have a solution atm. Then I need to clean my cooler. It’s raining and the snow is slush. Ya, not too motivated to get out of bed.
But once I’m up and over the hump I shift completely, especially once I’m outside, even in the rain. Then it’s nearly impossible to get me back inside.
I’m seeing a great Somatic Experiencing Practitioner these days. Getting to know subtle things going on inside. Unraveling the coping mechanism personality. Eventually “reorganize” around the “true” me that is behind all these layers. Playing in the snow is bringing out the small child in me who played in the snow, before the layers took over. It helps me access the “true” me. Tiny bit by tiny bit.
There is something about the land and trees and river, nature, here that is helping me access the real me in huge huge ways. As well as animal spirits and the Fae through experiences and through various oracle cards.
It will take awhile to integrate it all.
So life is kinda all over the place from moment to moment.
Overall very very good these days.
I’m scaling back and living on the outskirts to have a smaller subset [of life] to deal with, but not too isolated. If only I would stop scrolling Facebook and reading random articles that drag me back under lol.
Jan 24 2020
Here is an example of how unconscious trauma can be, in ways no intellectual/verbal/belief based healing can touch, regardless of the popular promises. FYI 😉
Yesterday in my Somatic Experiencing session, I was lying on the table. The practitioner placed her hand under my sacrum. Just placed it there. A bone in her wrist was irritating my bone. She asked me to be with that for a moment, in curiosity. I felt my inner legs start to contract. She asked what that was about. I felt/looked/asked inside. Instantly my face turned into a grimace and whoosh I zoomed into the trauma vortex, nervous system over stimulated and disregulating, mind overwhelmed, about to drop into coping and survival mechanisms. This happened within one second.
She noticed and immediately told me to go back to what I was doing with my hands in the previous exercise (that was not overwhelming.) This was not a denial technique but to keep me from rerunning the same neural pathways as usual. We’re trying to form new ones.
I have ZERO idea what that trauma was. No conscious memory. No visuals.
Just horror tapped into by the slightest touch and inquiry.
So what belief or forgiveness or joyful outlook is going to help? What line of verbal questions will reach that? They don’t for me, not at this level. They are bypasses, distractions. That path derailed me, furthered my suffering, and delayed my healing. Which feeds the resentment energy I’m trying to reach the root of.
I have some memories of a variety of traumas. The forgiveness, compassion and belief practices I’ve developed help in those cases, with not perpetuating the trauma and karma, help close the cycle.
But it’s abundantly clear there are horrible things I don’t remember but my body does.
The nervous system does not care about my forgiveness practice or beliefs. It has a function it needs to complete. SE is about completing that function in a safe way.
The trauma energy is in my system below my conscious awareness. Beyond the reach of my beliefs and intentions. It comes out in unconscious ways. For one thing, it contributes to my blind spots, the gaping holes in my boundaries, and the way I’m an easy target for predation of various sorts. And the chaos in my life: financial and relational and housing, and just plain mess scattered all over the house. Triggered off the charts in unexpected ways. It’s a deep and complex system.
A few years ago Life put me through a very difficult lesson to prove this beyond a doubt, so I will never again believe it’s all just my conscious creation.
Then, just to keep me from being too stuck in a belief lol, there are moments when existence seems all in my mind. There is a way that is true too.
But in practical functioning aspects of the hologram where we experience a body, the body holds a lot way beyond our conscious control. At least until we go into it and let it reveal what else exists. I’ve had this experience many many times.