Act I ~ The Awaited Response
8am. Awake enough to check email. To help me get into the daytime activities. Aha! The email I’ve been waiting for all week! Finally responding to my booking request to attend the Co-Creative Spirituality Conference at the fabled Findhorn Foundation, in Scotland. What did they say?! Do I get to go? The first word to the point of the message is “Unfortunately.” Disappointment peeks through the curtain, ready for it’s entrance to center stage.
The following words say they have no single rooms left and only 2 beds in shared rooms left. They want to know if I want one of those, and said I should respond ASAP as they’re going fast. The email had been sent 4 hours ago. OH! This seems like an indirect YES to my attendance! I’m not refused, yet! But sheesh the website said the shared room was default, a single room may be assigned if available and you can pay on site for that if you get one. So why are they adding the delay of asking me if I want the shared room, risking it being gone?!
I write back yes please to the shared room. Instantly I get an auto reply “We’re very busy and hope to respond to you within 5 business days.” Ack! What time is it in Scotland?? 4:23pm, they close at 4:30. DIALING.
No cell service, so Skype it is. Is $1 credit on Skype enough or will my call drop? Or will it somehow be free because I set up my Skype account in Europe? I don’t understand Skype’s billing at all. (It turned out to cost 20 cents. Phew.)
I actually get a human on the phone! Wow 😺 When she eventually correctly hears my name spelling and finds my account, she says she’ll go ahead and process the booking. But don’t buy plane tickets yet! Gotta wait for that official confirmation. You know, in case some information is incorrect. I eagerly check out the campground next door to Findhorn as a place to set up my tent for alone time, so I don’t have an overwhelmed-near-death-meltdown
at this conference like I did at the death doula one on Maui….
Oh shit I have 10 minutes to dress, eat, get the cat outside, and get in the car to go to the dentist. Not in my repertoire….
Act II ~ The Mysteries and my Teeth
Fortunately, I remembered to set my alarm for 30 minutes before I had to actually leave, so I made it to the dentist only a few minutes late. There was street front parking, but only 30 minutes, so into the pay lot I go. There is a spot, but we have to play musical cars to get it. I walk in to the dentist’s office that I haven’t seen in 2-1/2 years and all the staff is new, including the dentists. But still the same deeply holistic practice the “Transcendentist” had pioneered. They welcome me by name, with big smiles. They seat me in a room with my choice of music, meditation mandala videos, a flying protector goddess over head, a blanket and neck pillow, they get me some tea. You’d think I was in a new age spa or something!
I meet my new dentist. Nice woman. The result of the exam is that I need a root canal. WHAT?!!!!!! I was NOT expecting that! I said “Hey ~ I thought root canals were supposed to be evil?” She explained that they can be, but in my case it was a super simple easy one that doesn’t have the problem of bacteria. My nerve was inflamed and dying because the blood supply was damaged in a procedure I had as a teenager, and is finally causing problems.
Big dollar signs started whizzing through my head. Shit I was not planning on spending thousands of dollars on a tooth instead of food and rent next year. No insurance. We worked out that it was “only” around $1,500 and that I’m much better off taking care of it now rather than letting it get worse in a few months. But I needed to see a specialist who can do microsurgery for this particular tooth. Behold! He is down the street and has an appointment available this afternoon! Poof! Off I go.
Actually, I had to wait a few hours. I eat. I walk. I chat. I’m nervous and sleepy. I’m interviewed by an intern reporter about Whole Foods and Amazon Prime, which was a drastic change to walk in on last week after my long absence from the U.S. I read an email from a new teacher about her fundraiser for a very. special. event. The amount she has left to raise is less than my root canal. About what I’m spending on Findhorn. I notice this interesting logic I have that since I’m spending a bunch of money on one important thing then I can certainly spend a bunch of money on another important thing, especially for other people. I successfully resist the urge to paypal her the whole sum. NO RUSH NEEDED. Give it a few days, for others to contribute, and for my guidance of how much to chip in that feels good. Whew. Progress.
I try to focus on constructive things to do. Things to write or study. I remember to chant prayers to Tara for help, which can be for anything and everything. Om Tare Tutare Ture Soha. Dear Tara please help me with my nervousness. Om Tare Tutare Ture Soha. Dear Tara, please help me with this root canal. Om Tare Tutare Ture Soha. Dear Tara please help me with my money issues. Om Tare Tutare Ture Soha. Dear Tara, please help my teacher with her event.
It’s time to see the doctor. He seems like a very nice man. He asks me “So you’re a musician….” That was the word in rotation today for the problematic “occupation” question on the intake form. Oh god how do I explain this? I don’t even remember what bush I beat around. I must have mentioned singing bowls and gongs. I say “Music but not like in a band.” He wasn’t being brushed off. He was interested! “What’s your day to day?” Oh god how do I explain this?!! I remember a flood of lessons these months about not playing small, owning my power, being comfortable with my truth of who I am and what I do. Well here it is, I might as well go for it. “I’m a shamanic practitioner.” “Oh!” he says. “It’s a therapy! Who do you do it for?” I say ya for myself and small groups. He’s still interested! He said he’d never heard of this sort of thing before. “Where did you get your training?” OH GOD HOW AM I GOING TO EXPLAIN THIS??!!!!! I freakin just go for it at this point. “Well, I started out with one shamanic group for awhile, then when I moved to Hawai’i I had some death doula training and hospice work, and oh this Kundalini Yoga Gong Master happened to come to Hawai’i so I took one day of his class and ran with it.” I left SO MUCH out, but it was plenty as is. We end up having an actual conversation about alternative therapies and the mysterious nature of healing. Holy wow, accepted by a surgeon! Now that is a big turnaround for me!
Now for his exam of my teeth. He was very thorough and gentle. First of all, it was a different tooth from what I and my dentist had thought. Second of all he says “I’m not hearing it tell me it needs a root canal.” (He’s more shamanic than he realizes?) We have a conversation about what determines necessity and how he assesses the situation. Then what to do about the pain I’m having. “Well, you could try putting fluoride on it at night to strengthen the enamel. Give it a few months and see.” So freaking typical of my medical issues. No real idea of the cause of the pain nor what to do about it. Gahahahahaha. Back to subtle methods….
So it’s great news! No root canal! Yay! But damn I went through $400 on two doctors to get “try some fluoride,” which no way in hell am I going to do. Oh wells. Weird world. Weird way to get me to have a vulnerable conversation and admit some things to someone I normally would not, and have it go well. She moves in Mysterious Ways. ~ Grateful ~
Act III ~ Sweet Visitations
I’m craving ice cream. There’s a good shop near a drum/flute shop that I thought I was going to visit. Something in me wants nothing to do with either shop. OK, fine, we’ll do something else! What does my system want? Ice cream. Ok. Where? Oh ya! I am near my daughter’s college she’s attending in the fall! I want to go see the campus! So, ice cream near campus? Oh my Goddess no kidding, there is Tara Organic Ice Cream. Complete with exotic flavors. I arrive, and there She is on her Lotus, above the door. I get one scoop of Honey and one scoop of Allspice, in the waffle cone I’ve wanted for months. YUM. It is said She’ll help with anything and everything….
Campus is SO SWEET!!! So many trees and bushes! Old Victorian houses for offices, art along the pathways. Interesting buildings for the various disciplines. A *very* small campus. My daughter is SO fortunate!
Ahhhhhhhh
Act IV ~ WTF
Eventually I start the long drive homeward. A bad start to a long string of driving “turbulence.” It took several tries to get on the right road to the first highway. [Note to reader: I’m trying to get out of Oakland and back to Marin County. I’m not really from this area. Those of you who know the area feel me!] Frustrating but oh well, fine, I’m here, on with the show. I really hate driving in East Bay. You know, I used to think I was a very good driver. This year has been an exceptionally bad (and expensive) one for driving, in a variety of ways, not all of them my fault. Some days I want to never drive again. This evening was one of those days. It seemed easy enough. Only one freeway change, that was hard to mess up. That went fine. Then came a split. I apparently misunderstood what it meant by stay left for my route because once the split came up, I realized there was a second layer split and I had moved over one lane too far. Usually not a big deal, just take the next exit and turn around or something. Uh-uh, not here. Directly to the Toll Bridge to the city I avoid as the plague. DAMN!! Oh wait! This sign says “last exit before bridge.” It’s way the f* across 5 lanes of merging traffic with people driving WAY TOO FAST. I manage to not kill or get killed. I have no idea where the exit is going but I think I see it going back over the freeway and figure I’ll figure it out. *THEN* I see the sign that I actually took a ramp to the separate BUSES AND CARPOOLS ONLY toll lanes that was snuck in right before the actual exit off of the bridge. Not only was I stuck going onto the bridge to the plague, but now it was telling me I was going to be fined a minimum of $250 AND THERE WAS NO WAY OUT. F**************K
Well, I guess there was some reason I really had to go to Treasure Island half way across the bridge? At least I like the view from there. Perhaps the Bliss sculpture was still there? Careful what my subconscious makes for me! Gah! Sure wish there was an actual treasure there for me.
Um, no, no and no. Scenic road closed for construction. I try going around the back way. Unholy guck I had no idea this island was this scary with rundown and abandoned places. There was even a section of apartments marked with the **nuclear waste symbol** which I’ve never seen used legitimately like this before, and a message that the area was off limits and under investigation for hazardous waste. O-M-G.
At least I could take this opportunity to turn around and get back on my original route to North Bay. No plague or radiation poisoning for me! Thank you! Perhaps when they see my FastTrack debit for the other toll bridge, the one I meant to take, in the same hour as the wrong one, they’ll believe my sob story and not fine me for the gawd awful wrong ramp scene? Let’s hope. Tara? Please?
I at last have a nice drive across the correct bridge in the gorgeous evening light sparkling off the water, Mt. Tam ahead. Ahhhhh. Then I do it again. And geeez-us if some part of my brain doesn’t see it coming, knows I’m about to take the wrong exit again, and DOES IT ANYWAY. WTF IS WRONG WITH ME? LMFAO. Or as my daughter would say “funny not so funny.”
It’s quite awhile before any place to turn around. The first place I try is a parking lot full of cops that says no entry. Whoosh back on the road. A few dozen feet later I see a road to the left. Something looks odd but I figure I can just. turn. around. No shit, this is the entrance to San Quentin Prison. I pull over and wonder if I’m finally going to have that cry that’s been coming for days now. I am in some sort of prison, for sure. I was hoping that writing this story might help me unlock it.
Breathing.
I make my U Turn and head for the 3rd Whole Foods I visit in 24 hours. Yesterday I realized that a drink on significant sale is the answer to what I’ve been looking for, that I can use on the herbal dieta I’m working back up to. *I actually make it there with no further side tracks.* A-mazing.
Safely parked, I start shouting in my head. “I’M DONE! Done with all this duality. DONE!!!” I remember this morning, thinking about Findhorn and all the pros and cons that are inherent in such things. I didn’t want to be swayed by those, and an energy moved through me to tunnel through the middle of all that surface play. I want to learn and harness that skill for everywhere I walk.
I have to pee for the 6th time in 6 hours and feel utterly rattled. I just barely manage to keep my shit together until I get that bit of relief.
Then – Behold! The drink is on an even lower sale today! Yay! But suck I bought a bunch yesterday! Oh wells. And this store doesn’t have that new flavor either :/ Gahahahahaha first world problems hahahahaha.
Act V – Can I just stay in bed?
I get home to find someone has been oh so helpful as to put out the compost bin for pickup that I had so intentionally kept back because last night in the dark I accidentally dropped my friend’s nice spoons in it (boring story) and wanted to wait until daylight to dig them out. Gone. That was the last straw.
The cat tries to scratch me as I approach the door to let us in. I think, it’s safest in bed??? Or hmmm, is there some sort of healing practice I can do for myself? I am soooo tired though! Facebook save me? Meh. I eventually peel myself off the couch to make some yummy food. My mind spinning all the frustration and resentment. Uck. The food was good enough to get me to refocus. That and some wine! Ha! Whew. Thank you Deliciousness and All that created flavors and taste buds.
My new teacher told me rambling can be good, it gets all kinds of interesting things out. I don’t have anyone to talk to, so I thought I’d write the story of today to see what insight I could garner. Well, not a lot of insight, but it sure was fun! Laughter! Yay!! And that is a healing in itself.
~ Blessed Be ~
PS
The toll bridge fine never materialized. Thank Goddess!!